The Internet Marketers' London Lunches
Every couple of months something extraordinary happens.
Like turtles that are compelled to return once a year to a deserted island beach to lay their eggs, people who would normally be more at home in a darkened room, strained eyes red and blurry from staring at a computer screen for hours at a time, shoulders hunched from leaning over a keyboard whose characters are worn and shiny, emerge, like butterflies, into the smog and haze of the metropolis for one day of glory.
 Yes, these habitually solitary souls throw aside their natural reluctance to mix with others and begin a migration that can change their lives. A migration, in fact, that sees many risking life and limb, braving tortuous journeys across treacherous terrain. The Yorkshire Moors, the South Downs, The Queensland Outback and even the roaring white water of the English Channel.
Bedroom and office doors creak open in far-flung corners of cyberspace to allow squinting, light-dazzled occupants to scurry out. Train tickets are purchased as far afield as Scunthorpe, Southampton and Sidcup. Eyes blink in the unexpected daylight as creatures known as 'online marketers' emerge from their broom cupboards and garden sheds in Leeds and Lyon, Herne Bay and Hackney.
Even an occasional colonial climbs down from the mountainous pile of his PayPal account to see what the fuss is all about.
What draws these disparate, desperate and often dissipated souls
like moths to a flame?
And where are they inexorably drawn to?
 It is to London that they find themselves magnetically attracted. Like mayflies who are born and die in one glorious day, our erstwhile troglodyte Internet marketers stretch their damp wings in the early hours to begin, often long and arduous journeys, towards a day filled with unimaginable delights.
But what are these delights of which we speak? What form do they take that proves so alluring? What powerful pheromones permeate the air of their sunken lairs that trigger such a flurry of impulsive activity in folk who would normally shun polite society. Or perhaps it is the polite society who do the shunning? No matter.
Is it the wine or beer? Quite possibly.
Is it the food? Well, it is better than their normal fare of cold baked beans and black pudding.
Is it the comfortable surroundings? Possibly, but plush surrounding and silver service can't entirely explain the attraction to the habitually desk-bound.
In truth, it is none of these things. A far more powerful urge stirs the loins of the men and women who make the pilgrimage to the home of democracy, the heart of the Empire and the epitome of rip-off Britain. After all, when online marketers are consistently branded as cheats and scammers, it does their spirits good to see that in the real world tourists are charged £5 for a limp cheese sandwich, or that a cup of coffee is often more expensive than two month's hosting at GoDaddy.
Steady on there - brace yourself
A shiver may be creeping up your spine at this very moment, so I suggest you throw another log file on the fire and brace yourself. There is an even more shocking revelation to come.
The unwashed hoards that make up the undergarments of the Internet rarely stir from their self-imposed exile except to attend clan gatherings where beings of great wisdom proclaim and pontificate, extol their own latest ideas and extract money from their baying crowds of adulatory worshippers.
Yet, many of these Internet denizens willingly eschew the chance to mix with the 'generally unelected righteously unctuous salespeople' in order to spend an unfeasible amount of time in the company of their peers. Indeed, they anxiously elect to do so.
For what purpose?
There are many motives.
Curiosity is a draw
Can the infamous grumpy one really be as miserable as his online persona? Is it right that someone who knows about every Internet marketing product ever launched still has to take time to read the menu? Will a famous health professional actually perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation in exchange for a JV? Will an even more famous purveyor of ear candy even turn up, or will champagne be quaffed at his expense?
Knowledge is an attractor
No matter how much each cyber cavern dweller likes to think that they have learned in their quest for the freedom to Starbuck where no man has gone before, there is always the certainty that there is more out there to know. And what better way to discover the vital gaps in ones own knowledge can there be than to watch as someone who makes more money in a day than Gordon Brown can even imagine ways to tax, gets slowly pissed and spills the beans shares his tricks?
Prepare yourself for the real shock
But there is one motive that outshines all the others, and this, my friend, is the real shock.
For far from enjoying their self-imposed exile from the human race, most Internet marketers secretly, at some primeval level deep in their hippocampus (not the one where large Americans frolic under canvas), crave human companionship. Blasphemous as that thought may be to the great god GOA (going it alone), it is heart-wrenchingly true.
And, lacking that most basic of needs in their day-to-day existence, they readily turn to other Internet marketers to fill the aching void. For even though most of their peers are a sorry excuse for stimulating companionship, they do at least speak the same language.
- Where else can they go to find anyone to whom they can discuss delayed uploads without risking a slapped face?
- Who else would understand the importance of interpreting the proclamations of the prophet Seasoned?
- Who else, indeed, would be able to discuss the merits of a double opt in with a duplicated one time offer and a thank you page backend upsell that leads to a JV affiliate cross sell without glazing over and falling asleep?
It is clear then that Internet marketers are a peculiar breed of humanity. In many ways.
While it is true that most who go by the name of Internet marketer stretch the definition of human to its limits, beggars can't be choosers. Fellowship among this select band of creatures of the night is more important than any of them care to admit.
And so it was that the Internet Marketers' London Lunches came into being.
A few lost souls who felt the call of something other than nature saw that, at last, here was an opportunity to spend hours in the company of like-minded fellow travellers, who at least understood a part of what they were talking about. (Except, of course, for the retiree from Herne Bay whose ceaseless utterances skim over the scalps of most). And the best part of all was the certain knowledge that there was no agenda, no pitch and nothing to buy apart from a train ticket and a £30 meal.
Yes, the Internet Marketers' London Lunches were born.
If the picture that I've painted seems to fit your situation, and you feel that seven or eight hours in the company of people - any one of whom could win Olympic gold in B'TAROONF (boring the arse right off of normal folk) - who share your passion and might even be better at it that you are is appealing, then you are in luck!
The allure of London Lunches cares nothing for class or status.
Each lunch held so far has attracted a surprisingly wide range of attendee. From those who could easily afford to arrive by personal Lear jet (and yet, who strangely elect to hob-nob with the common folk on public transport), to the struggling but ever-hopeful middle ranking webfolk (careful how you say that), right down to the achingly keen and enthusiastic newbies.
Friendships have been forged.
JVs have been hatched.
At least two children have been conceived.
(That last may be an exaggeration, but who knows?)
And it is all going to happen again sometime very soon.
You may or may not be able to attend. It is possible that you will be detained at Her Majesty's pleasure on the day. Indeed, there are several regular attendees for whom this is a real possibility.
Or you could be accompanying the Branson family on their inaugural trip to outer space. Perhaps you will find yourself tied to a bed by your sex craved dream lover. Maybe it will clash with your semi-annual visit to the chiropodist.
But
don't you think that you at least owe it to yourself to know when the next meeting will be held - after all, your dream lover may come a day earlier, your chiropodist may get the flu, Richard Branson's space flight may be as reliable as his trains. And as far as Her Majesty is concerned, you might even get away with it.
Sign Up to be unmercifully harangued NOW!
So rather than be at a loss as to how to spend your day, sign up now for the London Lunch Announcement List and go back to your darkened room, your flickering monitor, your unhealthily obsessive reading of the Warrior Forum, secure in the knowledge that when the next and future London Lunches are announced, you'll be one of the first to know.
Okay, you won't be harangued. Not too much anyway.
Go on. Do it now. You'll thank me when you taste the food.
The Internet Marketers'
London Lunch
Anouncement List
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Martin Avis thanks you for signing up and looks forward to the pleasure of your company at the next London Lunch. |
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The Guarantee
Something you should know.
You are an Internet marketer (okay, you might still be in the want to be stage, but I won't split hairs) and are, as a result, naturally suspicious when anyone asks for your email address.
I don't blame you. There are plenty of sharks out there who I wouldn't give my email address to. Heck, I wouldn't even want to risk giving some of them a fake email address because I'm sure that they'll find some way to spam me with it.
But I'll make you a promise and you can call me on it if I ever break it.
I won't spam you. Period.
The only reason I'll contact you will be to let you know the dates of forthcoming London Lunches. And probably a few reminders as each date gets closer.
And very occasionally I may tell you about a new product I've come
across - but only if it is very good indeed.
You will, of course be free to unsubscribe at any time - although that may mean the rest of us talk about you behind your back.
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See you at lunch!
Martin Avis
P.S. According to the great and the good who know what they are talking about (or say they do quite convincingly), you are very likely to have read the headline of this letter and then come straight on down here to see what's in the PS.
Sorry to disappoint. The only thing here is a strong recommendation to fill in the subscribe form.
But the good news is that if you do that right away you can save yourself the time it would otherwise take you to read the rest of the rubbish on this page.
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